Here It Comes

SHEESH!!!

Another “re-branding”???  How many times are they gonna try this before they figure out that no matter WHAT you call something…it still doesn’t change the something!!!   “A cowpie by any other name still smells the same.”  (I think William Shakespeare said that.)

Let’s see…we’ve had Renaissance City;  Renaissance East and West;  MiddletOWN IT;  Bright past, Brighter flash;  and many others that I can’t even remember.  Regardless, NOTHING has changed!!!  It’s like when “Larry Mulligan” re-branded himself “Lawrence P. Mulligan, Jr.”…it might have made him more distinguished in his own mind, but it didn’t really change anything and no one else thought he became distinguished.

Perhaps I’ll re-brand myself as Mike “the world’s fastest human” Presta.  Surely then I’ll be able to set  new world records in the hundred yard dash, and the 440, 880, and mile runs!!! 

Yeah!!!  That’s the ticket!!!  Mike “the world’s fastest human” Presta!!!  I’m re-branded…and that changes everything!!!  (Doesn’t it???)

Well...Mike “the world’s fastest human” Presta here…and I’m sorry to report that my latest “re-branding” effort didn’t go too well.

Once I announced my HISTORIC rebranding to the world (or at least to everyone who has the internet) this morning, I decided that I should make at least some small effort at actually changing things prior to my assault on the world record for the 100 yard dash at the next big event at Bicentennial Commons.  I was sure that next big event would be coming up quickly—probably this weekend—so I figured I should get started right away.

We are told that re-branding changes everything, so I figured all I would need was a few wind sprints up and down HISTORIC Pennswood Drive to get my body into top shape after decades of abuse, misuse, neglect, and infirmity, so I did my preparatory stretching and warm-ups (for me, putting on my socks and shoes classifies as “preparatory stretching and warm-ups”) and headed outside to tear up the street.  (I use the term “tear up the street” metaphorically and, as with all other streets in our town--except for the mayor’s--our street is already crumbling, so don’t blame me!!!)

Now, due to some of my infirmities, I cannot get down into the starting blocks (even after clearly explaining to my body that I am now “the world’s fastest human”) so I just sort of leaned into the wind and waited on the weekly test of the emergency sirens to signal the “start”.  Then it occurred to me that it was Thursday and the siren testing was on Wednesday.  Now I knew that re-branding or no re-branding, I cannot stay in one position for more than a few minutes, let alone six days, so like a business person applying for a license at Middletown City Hall, I decided that I couldn’t wait!!!  I was off like a shot!!!

Well…not exactly like a shot.

During my first stride (and sadly, it was still more like a “teeter” than a powerful lurch) the “foot drop” with which I am plagued caused me to stumble.  My cat-like (yes, “cat-like”:  like a very, very, old and infirm cat) reflexes kicked in to try to help me regain my stride…but my other knee buckled just at that crucial moment…and I was doomed.  Down I went…butt over tea kettle…crashing to the ground, aggravating an old rotator cuff injury with the first impact and extruding nucleus pulposus from a different lumbar disk with every roll down the driveway apron into the gutter!!!  My cane, which flew high into the air at the start of this event, returned to earth right after I did…and smacked me on the back of the head.

I laid there for several minutes, wracked with pain and trying to compose myself.  (I could hear several neighbors laughing out loud, while asking if I wanted them to call 911.)  I remembered that we had lain off several of our firefighters, so I said no.  (I first tried shaking my head “no”, but that hurt too much.)

After a short while, and with the aid of my wife and Triple A, I was able to get back the house, into my zero-gravity chair, and swallow a couple of pain pills (and a double shot of peppermint schnapps).

Now, I told you all of that so that I could tell you this:  It’s all YOUR fault!!!  Yes, you!!!  All of you here at MiddletownUSA.com.  All of you nattering nabobs of negativism!!!  I re-branded myself as “the world’s fastest human”, but YOU PEOPLE didn’t believe.  If all of you would’ve just wished and hoped harder…if you just would’ve gone along…it would’ve happened, but no, you wouldn’t do it.

It’s all YOUR fault that my risky scheme failed!!!

So I guess I’ll go back to being plain, old HISTORIC Mike…at least until I come up with my next re-branding brainstorm. 

Then that will change everything!!!