Is something fishy???

Well, to the best that I can figure out, here is what MUST have happened:

Both Rasmussen (in Wichita) and Sommers (in Hamilton) really, really, really wanted the job as Middletown Superintendent of Schools, but for some unknown--but certainly valid--reasons did not decide to apply until late on December 14, 2009. It was so late that night, in fact, that by the time they were putting the finishing touches on their cover letters it was after midnight, so they both dutifully dated their cover letters December 15, 2009. After all, they wouldn’t want to lie, would they?

Now remember, prior to this (on December 11 and 12) the school board had already interviewed the “top eight finalists” and had narrowed the list down to THREE, but they did NOT yet know their names. I think that Carney, Sandoe and Associates had borrowed that “backlit screen” thingie and that “voice disguiser” thingie from the FBI to conceal the identities of the eight finalists. You know…just like when someone is testifying against the mafia and they are trying to hide their true identity.

Next, A MIRACLE OCCURRED!!! Or, maybe not, maybe Santa Claus has a “special connection” with the Reverend Tyus??? Yeah…that’s it!!! At that very same instant--one minute after midnight on December 15, 2009, that Sommers and Rasmussen were dating and signing their letters of interest, Rev. Tyus heard a voice from God instructing him to “text” their mutual pal Santa up at the North Pole and have him dispatch his magical sleigh post haste to KANSAS!!! (No, kiddies, Dorothy and Toto aren’t in this gig! Kansas is where Rudy and the other reindeer stopped to pick up Rasmussen’s letter and short-form resume!) Then, in just another twinkle of Rudy’s ruby-red rhinoplasty job, it was on to Hamilton, Ohio to stop at Sommers’ place on this winter’s night! Next, both sets of documents safely in the sleigh, they headed for the Tyus rooftop. (Hey!! I am NOT making this up!!! Sommers’s cover letter was in MEMO form, addressed “TO: Greg Tyus” What else is a magic reindeer to do?) Then, when up on the Tyus’s rooftop there arose such a clatter, the good Reverend immediately knew what was the matter!!! “Rudolph with your nose so bright,” said the Reverend, “You’ve brought this to the wrong place tonight!” But with just a glance at the two resumes, but NOT noticing the names, Rev. Tyus sent the sleigh on to Boston, to the offices of Carney, Sandoe and Associates. (Of course he did the sensible thing and made copies first!!!)

Luckily, the guy from Carney, Sandoe and Associates came to work early that day, and as soon as he saw these two new resumes, he immediately called the good Reverend and told him to forget two of the top three interviewees from the previous weekend. He told the Reverend that these two new guys, just from glancing at their resumes, stood head and shoulders above all the rest…except for possibly Mr. Martin…and that they should be included on the new, three-man short list!!! Well, the good Reverend knew the laws about meetings in our state, but also reasoned that these were conditions BEYOND “emergency”, so he called a “SUPER-emergency” board meeting!!! (Note that “SUPER-emergency” meetings aren’t addressed in Ohio’s Open Meetings laws--certainly an oversight on the part of our lawmakers!)

Lucky for US, all board members recognize their duties to the citizenry, and especially since it was “FOR THE KIDS”, they all cancelled all of their plans for the day and met all day in a tele-conference meeting with Carney, Sandoe and Associates. At the end of the day, there was no doubt about it. These two late entries MUST be considered in the top three of all the 80+ received. There could be no doubt about it--just look at their resumes!!! No need for any of the silly short-list interviews as with the other bums we had to choose from.

“But look at the lateness of the hour!!!” said the good Reverend alarmingly, “I told The Journal that I would be sending them a letter TODAY revealing the names of the three finalists, and that all of you would be signing it!!!”

“No problem,” the others agreed, “we trust you. We’ll just sign at the bottom of this blank page and you can write the letter!!!”

And so it came to pass!!! The good Reverend diligently went to work and wrote that elegant piece of prose as the hours dwindled down on December 15th, and submitted it to The Middletown Journal in time for it to be published in the December 16^th EARLY MORNING edition!!!

Yep!! That’s EXACTLY how it must have happened!!!

To believe anything else would be some kind of nutty conspiracy theory.